Diary of Draco
by Jay the Nerd Kid
Summary: Draco reveals all on life, friends and strange noises...
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: Me no own, you no sue. Got it?  
  
Diary of Draco  
  
By Draco Malfoy  
  
Wednesday 17 June  
  
Parents woke me up at five in the morning. Said I had to clean my room. I said we had house-elves for that kind of thing.  
  
Am now grounded for a month.  
  
Note to self: Kill parents  
  
Friday 19 June  
  
Parents made up by buying me expensive presents. Am still not totally satisfied: one of the presents still had the "priced to clear" sticker on it.  
  
Note to self: Don't kill parents. Blood is hard to clean off carpet.  
  
Only just figured that out. Duh!  
  
Saturday 20 June  
  
Mother made waffles. Can tell she is sucking up. Wonder what kind of bad news she has this time. If Goyle has jammed his head in a door again.  
  
Note to self: Get intelligent minions  
  
Monday 21 June  
  
Father did not come home tonight. Asked mother where he was. She sniffled and muttered something about "that damn sister of mine".  
  
Father is an adulterer. Wonder if he is a paedophile as well?  
  
Note to self: Sleep with door magically locked from now on.  
  
Tuesday 22 June  
  
Am depressed. Crabbe and Goyle expressing interest in each other. Pansy is becoming lesbian. Blaise is a trans. Father doesn't want to commit incest. Mother is.mother. Am lonely. Will probably die alone. Oh Crabbie, how could you forsake me?  
  
Note to self: Commit suicide.  
  
Wednesday 23 June  
  
Have realised: Millicent is single! God loves me, me, ME!!!! Voldemort has been eyeing me strangely, too.  
  
Note to self: how does one ask Voldie out?  
  
Friday 25 June  
  
Mother is behaving strangely. I asked her if I could help her, and she turned around and said: "Hop down to the chemist and get me some tampons, would you love?"  
  
Mother is going insane. I fear for her life.  
  
Note to self: what are tampons?  
  
END OF ENTRY PAGE 1  
  
Review review REVIEW!!!! Please?  
  
Next chapter: Draco reveals all concerning love, life and strange sounds from his parents room. 


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER:  I don't own it, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I have a guest speaker.  Please welcome Draco Malfoy!!!

Draco:  People, what is this obsession with dissing me?  I'm tall, blond, blue-eyed…smart, funny…why must people mock me?  It's not fair!  Just because I eyed Sev a little too much…please people!!!  I'm not gay, I'm bi…whoops.  (Draco is booed off by readers).

Me:  Well, there you go…to the story!

Diary of Draco

By Draco Malfoy

Entry page 2

Monday 28 June

Mother is still acting strangely.  Asked her what tampons are.  She blushed and sent me to my room.  Why does everybody hate me?  It's not fair!

Note to self:  Kill God.

Tuesday 29 June

Mother is acting normally again.  She made me waffles and mint tea.  Mother is very nice.

Father is behaving weirdly.  He keeps looking at mother's rear when she is bent over.  I don't know whether or not he used to do this.  Am scared.  I fear for his life.

Father summoned me to his study today.  He is frowning.  What have I done this time?  I tell him to leave me alone.

Am now grounded for a month.

Note to self:  Kill father.

Wednesday 30 June

I got the dark mark today.  Voldie eyed my exposed forearm strangely.  He's been doing this often lately.  I found myself staring at the underside of the arm he raised when he gave me the mark.  

Something is happening to my brain.  Damn you, Potter!

Note to self:  Kill Potter.  No one will miss him anyway…

Friday 2 July

Mother took me to Diagon Alley today to get my stuff.  I wanted a Firebolt, but they were sold out.  God hates me, me, ME!!!  Mother got me lots of expensive dark magic stuff instead.  I love mother, especially when she's in the shower…

What am I saying!  I can't perv on my own mother!  Even if she is soooo beautiful, with the sexiest legs…

Note to self:  I am insane.

Saturday 3 July

As I write this, strange noises are coming from my parents' room.  I think father is attacking mother, because he's grunting, and she's groaning…

He will mutilate my mother's legs!  I must save her!

*Diary is put down as Draco rushes towards his parents' room and throws the door open.  Screams are heard.*

*Draco returns, paler than usual.*

I can't believe what I just saw.  I refuse to believe that my father still drinks breastmilk…I also refuse to believe that my mother would feed him.  

Another thing: does Father _always_ drink milk with his trousers down?

Note to self:  Experiment with this new method of drinking milk.

Sunday 4 July

I have just realised something.  My father was not drinking breast milk last night.  He was…he was…what the hell is wrong with me?  I can't even write it down.  Father and Mother were having S-E-…X, just like they did on the night I came to be…ooh, not good.  Don't go there.  Gross mental images…

END OF ENTRY PAGE 2

Review Review Review!!!!  Tell me what you think and if you've got any suggestions, give me those as well.

The Imperius


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Harry Potter, DBZ, or anything else worth owning, I wouldn't be sitting here, would I?

Diary of Draco

By Draco Malfoy

Entry Page 3

Wednesday 7 July

Father and Mother are being very odd to me today. Father keeps picking up Muggle magazines when I walk into the room and Mother is using the world's supply of waffles in an effort to stop me from noticing the strangely shaped mark on her neck…

Voldie dropped in yesterday. I mean that literally: he's always been a hopeless flyer. Why he wanted to fly, I don't know…

Note to self: Teach Voldie how to fly.

Friday 9 July

Caught Voldie in my room today. Don't know how he got there. Apparated, I suppose. He was looking through my socks drawer. Very strange.

Note to self: make sure to take pictures of Crabbe and Goyle drunk out of socks drawer.

Sunday 11 July

Life sucks. Am grounded for asking father what he was doing the other night. Mother is away on Death Eater business, so there is no one to make waffles for me. Crabbe and Goyle aren't writing: no surprises there, since they can't write, but they aren't trying the fires either. Hmmm…

Note to self: Find out what Crabbe and Goyle are doing. On second thoughts, do I want to know?

Tuesday 13 July

Got a letter from the institute of gay marriages. Crabbe and Goyle are tying the knot…in Ecuador (Tony Blair is thinking of banning gay marriage as well (A/N: is he? Not sure.)) I have an invitation to their wedding ceremony. Am not going. Why did I not know before this? Why???????

Note to self: Kill Crabbe/Goyle/Both.

END OF DIARY ENTRY

Finally! I know it's a little short, but oh well.


	4. Chapter 4

Omigod!  I have 28 reviews (at the time of writing).  I'm so happy!  Here is the next chapter:

DISCLAIMER:  Don't own it.  You know it.  Sue me?  You can try…

DIARY OF DRACO

Diary Entry Four

Thursday 15 July

Am not grounded anymore.  Mother came back yesterday and got mad at father.  Am now free.  I love my mother.  All of her.  Especially when I 'accidentally' walk into the bathroom when she is in the shower…I said it was accidental!

Note to self:  I have the feeling somebody is reading this, so I will have to be more discreet.

Friday 16 July

Tomorrow is Crabbe and Goyle's wedding.  Should I go?  Or should I gatecrash their reception?  Should I give them both poison?  Am I blabbering?  I think I am.

I must find a girl/boy friend soon.  Being single is driving me insane.

Note to self:  Girl or Boy friend?

Sunday 18 July

I cannot stand Father any longer!  He keeps trying to ground me for nothing.  Am seriously considering asking Voldie to kill him off for me.

No, wait.  He buys me expensive things!

On the other hand, so does Mother.  Oh, lovely Mother.

This is slowly turning into an obsession.

Note to self:  Try and quash incestuous obsession.

Wednesday 23 July

Nearly time to go back to school.  Got my results for the OWLS back yesterday.  Here they are:

_Potions:  Exceeds Expectations_

_Defence Against the Dark Arts:  Acceptable_

_Charms:  Poor_

_History of Magic:  Poor_

_Divination:  Dreadful_

_Arithmancy__:  Exceeds Expectations_

_Transfiguration:  Acceptable_

_Care of Magical Creatures:  Troll_

I didn't even know it was possible to get a 'Troll'.  Am considering suicide.  Not one Outstanding on the whole paper!

On the up side, I am still a Prefect.  Potter is not.

Note to self:  torture Potter.

Saturday 26 July

Am packing things to go to school.  Amongst my treasures:  solid gold gobstones, dark arts books, framed picture of mother.  Amongst things to burn:  OWL results sheet, old textbooks, picture of father.  Evil father.

Note to self:  Wonder what Potter has got for OWLS?

Thursday 31 July

School tomorrow.  Have finished packing.  Mother got my things yesterday on her way to buy Dark Arts ingredients.  Am v. apprehensive.  Don't know what Potter got for OWLS or whether he has got a girlfriend.  Will find out tomorrow.

END OF DIARY PAGE

Way too short, but I needed to end it there.  R&R!  Please?

The Imperius


	5. Chapter 5

Okay, I know I haven't updated for ever but I've got a new chapter now, so enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: Don't own it. Don't sue me.

Diary of Draco

By Draco Malfoy

Entry Page five

Friday 1st September

Almost missed train because Father was busy looking at Muggle magazines containing half-clothed women. Idiot. Why look at magazines when one has Mother?

Oh lovely Mother.

Anyway, had to run to catch train. Potter was laughing, so I tried to hex him.

He used shield charm.

Am now covered in warts.

Prefects are all sniggering behind hands, except Weasel and the Mudblood, who aren't bothering to hide it.

Note to self: I hate father.

Sunday 3rd September

Lessons start tomorrow. Am doing Potions, Transfiguration, Charms, Arithmancy, Defence Against the Dark Arts and Divination.

What? I want to know whether or not Voldie and I are astrologically compatible…

Note to self: why am I explaining myself to a diary?

Monday 4th September

I hate school. I hate my teachers. I even hate Snape.

How could he forsake me? I am a zillion times sexier than the Mudblood…

Potter has grown a little. His eyes are so enchanting, they remind me of Mother.

His scar adds a nice touch…

What am I saying? I can't fall for Potter!

What would Mother say?

Note to self: Mmm…Potter…

I fear for my life.

Tuesday 5th September

Got an owl from Voldie today. He really needs to learn discretion: he sealed the letter with a Dark Mark made of wax.

He is having insecurity issues. He thinks that some of his Inner Circle are planning his murder.

Poor Voldie.

I bet the perpetrator of this awful crime is my father.

Stupid father…

I shall write back to Voldie and inform him of my suspicions.

ONE HOUR LATER

I can't do it! Blood is thicker than water.

Will have to think of a different way to dispose of father.

Note to self: I need ideas. Fast. Desperately.

Help me, diary, help goddam you!

Wednesday 6th September

Snape has dumped the Mudblood. Actually, I think he was drunk when he asked her for a head job. I knew he was an alcoholic!

I wonder if that's why his hair is so greasy.

Maybe he has house-elf blood and Butterbeer is too strong for him.

Maybe he is just a hopeless alcoholic who needs a life.

As much as I don't want to believe it, I think that may be the case.

No offence to any other alcoholics, but Sevie really should know better.

He is allergic to Butterbeer.

That makes it ten times scarier.

I fear for his life too.

Note to self: must stop fearing for people's lives.

Friday 8th September

Potter smiled at me today! I never noticed it before, but his eyes light up when he smiles.

Mind you, he has never smiled at me before, so…

I wonder if he looks into my eyes full of the same admiration with which I look into his?

Is that selfsame admiration a bond that we never knew we shared?

Eyes. Such thought-provoking body parts.

There are a fair few more thought provoking body parts…

Note to self: don't even go there.

Sunday 10th September

I am still the Slytherin Seeker. Crabbe and Goyle got new Beater bats today. They are fitted with charms that automatically direct the ball towards the Seeker of the opposite team.

Am somewhat worried. Firstly, that constitutes cheating. Secondly, Potter is a Seeker.

Listen to me! A Malfoy, worried about cheating!

Family values are battling with personal…desires? Ideologies?

Lust?

No, lust is reserved for Mother.

Oh, lovely mother.

She has green eyes.

Like Potter's eyes.

Harry's eyes.

Harry. Nice name.

Harry's eyes…

Note to self: try not to drown in Harry's eyes.

Argh! Can not help it! Drowning in Harry's eyes!!!!!!!

Tuesday 12th September

Crabbe and Goyle cornered me today and asked why I didn't come to their wedding.

They seem to think that "I hate you both and besides I didn't want to fly to Ecuador" isn't a valid excuse.

Go figure.

Note to self: need new cronies.

Wednesday 13th September

I could have sworn that Potte-I mean Harry touched my arm today in Defence Against the Dark Arts.

I thinking I'm going to swoon like an infatuated fanpoodle now.

swoons

Okay, am done swooning.

Friday 15th September

He touched me! He actually touched me! In the corridor he was walking past me and I smiled at him and said "hi, Harry!" and he touched my forehead with this weird look on his face before him and the Weasel and the Mudblood walked on.

I shall never wash my forehead again. Never ever.

**HARRY'S DIARY**

Entry on the 15th of September (a Friday)

You know what? The strangest thing happened today. I was walking down the corridor on the way to Transfiguration and Malfoy walked past, and he smiled and waved and said "Hi Harry!" and he was being really nice. So I touched his forehead to see if he had a fever and he kinda went psycho and grabbed his forehead and grinned and then he waved at me again, and I was so scared that I ran like hell.

That is soooo weird. What has gotten into him lately? The other day I was smiling at Hermione who was standing behind him and he went INSANE when I smiled and it was just like "okay…"

END OF DIARY PAGE

Okay peeps, that's a wrap for chapter five. Please read and review!...

Gk S.


	6. Chapter 6

DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own Harry Potter. But you already know that. On to the story…

DEDICATION: This chapter (and the rest of the fic) is dedicated to Ashleigh and Taylor, my two muses, co-plotters and brilliant friends. Guys, this little bit of trauma-causing literature is for you. Thanks for helping me out and I can't wait until we get to the Halloween ball bit!...

DIARY OF DRACO

ENTRY PAGE SIX

Sunday 17th September

I took a few pictures of Harry today when he wasn't looking. I'm getting them developed this afternoon. They're for my shrine to Harry which I'm going to set up in my dorm when I get enough stuff.

Next task: get a lock of his hair and some of his old clothes.

I can get that old sock he gave to Dobby and I'll get his hair in Potions. Then I'll need some Muggle pictures of his, a little bit of his drool, a few samples of his handwriting…

My shrine is going to be absolutely terrific. I can't wait to get those photos developed…

Wednesday 20th September

Next Hogsmeade weekend is at Halloween. I can't wait…I haven't had a night on the town for ages! This is going to be sooo cool!

I wonder if Harry would come with me if I asked him.

What to wear? I think I should dye my hair too: ooh, black and pink streaks would look really cool! And I could grow it and wear it out without gel like I usually do. And I think I have some fishnet stockings which would go so well with the ensemble…

Note to self: do I even have fishnet stockings?

Friday 22nd September

I swear when Harry smiles his eyes are so gorgeous…

You know, this is getting to be an obsession.

Note to self: still can't find fishnet stockings. Look in Goyle's suitcase.

Sunday 24th September

Heard from Mother today. Just seeing her handwriting made me sigh. I miss her so much. The shower is so lucky. It gets to see her all the time, but I'm stuck here.

On the plus side, there is Harry…

Sigh...

Wednesday 27th September

Today it was revealed that Sevie is bi. I saw him eyeing my Harry after class.

No! He's my Harry. MINE I SAY!

Note to self: kill Sevie.

Saturday 30th September

Only one month until Hogsmeade!

Squee!

I've decided that I need to find a nice dress to wear. I'm so sick of just normal robes, those lace cuffs get old really fast. I was thinking maybe a version of that dress I say on Muggle television…that _Australian Idol_ show…I think if I could get it made in bright pink, it would be absolutely perfect.

Oh, wait…Mother can sew. I have an outfit for Hogsmeade!

**END OF DIARY PAGE**

I know, it's short. But I really wanted to update, and I needed a filler for the next chapter…because the Halloween feast is coming soon!

Once again, thanks to Taylor and Ashleigh, and of course to my wonderful reviewers. Your words make my day.

NOTE: An apology to those who haven't seen _Australian Idol_. The dress I'm talking about it a tight, bright-gold monstrosity worn by Paulini, one of the contestants. Strapless, knee-length and blinding. In bright pink, it'd be even worse. Hehe .


End file.
